I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
