Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
