The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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