the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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