don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Your penis caused this!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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