i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
