Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
