i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
