There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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