i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
