So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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