you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
