yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
