So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
