when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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