My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
