Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
