Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
