sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
