fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
