do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
