I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
