Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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