I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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