Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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