The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
