It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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