apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
