My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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