Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
