I'm so fucking centered right now
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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