Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
