I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
