life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
