maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
