once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He passed out mid-signature
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
