cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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