Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
