I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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