We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
