So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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