Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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