The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
