sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
