she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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