I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
