he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Success! We fucked roommates!
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