I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize