Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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