i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
