I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
