wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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