I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
