nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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