someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
